Every influence is like a transaction, is like a deal. Every time you’re trying to influence someone, you’re making a deal with him. And the value that’s being extracted from this deal is what defines the part or the type of influence.
You and the other person feeling bad | Influencer type 1
The first type of influence is me as the influencer or trying to influence someone and while I’m doing it, I’m hurting myself. I don’t get what I want. And also, the other person might be feeling bad, we lose from the situation. This type of influence is called pure stupid. We’re all doing it. Sometimes (when we’re pissed), for example, when we’re in a bad mood and someone just crosses our path and we’re simply putting off all our negative emotions, giving it words and simply dropping it on them. We’re feeling bad while doing it. After doing it, we’re feeling bad for doing it and the other person is feeling bad for us doing it. So, some amount of this influence or some amount of this communication may be unavoidable but we will want to keep this type of influence as [Inaudible 01:26] as possible.
Deceive or mislead someone | Influencer type 2
The second type is when me as the influencer is getting something from influencing and the other person is losing, for example, the classic salesperson. The person wants to sell something even though it might not be a good deal for the customer or simply misleading, deceiving someone into buying something that he doesn’t really want or doesn’t really need. This type of influence is very common. It’s very common, not in this place. Not for you guys, I know that you are not the kind of people who are doing it. But many of us are sometimes annoyed with our own inability to do this. Maybe if we want to start our business, we’re telling ourselves, if I would only be just a little bit less of a holy sacred person I would get more money. Maybe in relationships, if I would be just a bit more selfish this other person will like me or appreciate me more.
So the people in this room are not usually going to this type of influence which we’ll call abuse, which is what it is. I’m using my power, my ability to influence someone to get something without giving anything in return so that’s an abuse. So, you guys are not experts in this kind of communication or this kind of leadership, but of influence, but sometimes I know that many of you are thinking to yourselves, I wish I could do this more. And in my opinion, after studying this for many years, I’ve realized that this inner will, this inner idea, this inner belief that I should have or that if I had this kind of influence over people, it would have been for my own good actually distance us from having really powerful influence over other people or with other people.
So why is this influence a bad idea?
First of all, we can discuss the moral issues or [Inaudible 04:04] it but you know it. You already feel that it’s bad this is why you’re not doing it and you don’t like people who do it. So it’s obvious. But I want to quickly tell you that I truly believe that it’s also ineffective. It might be effective in the short term. In the short term, you can use all sorts of influence skills, influence principles, much of which I will teach you today to get very good deals whatever you want, be it love, money, whatever with this kind of influence, you know that. The thing is when you abuse someone, when you influence someone, when you talk someone into doing something that he later regrets.
What will happen in the next time, you will try to persuade him, you’ll try to influence him? Then you will have a much harder time.
Some people are so good, they can persuade someone into doing something again and again and again and again and again and again but in the end, the circle breaks. And when this circle finally breaks, your ability to influence this specific person drops to almost non-existence. If you’re thinking long term which I think you should, I believe everything that’s really worthwhile in life is usually long term, be it business like getting a lot of money today and having no money tomorrow. I don’t think it’s a good idea. Building your business in the long term is a much better idea. Relationship, it’s even more clear. If you’re getting someone to smile for you today but you will yell at you tomorrow, I don’t think it’s a good idea. If, however, you’ll get the other person to feel and to know that when you persuade him, that when you influence him, that when he does whatever you are suggesting he’s getting much more in return, your ability to influence him always grows.
Maybe today, it will be hard and he will do only one little thing but tomorrow, it will become easier. Next week, next month, next year, it will become easier. Even if you’re not a master of the skills and the tools and everything, simply by having a mindset of making sure the other person gets a lot of value from every single transaction you’re making with him. You’re building your influence long term and this is maybe the strongest principle in influence. Making sure the other person gets as much value as possible from every single interaction with you.
Pleasing someone | Influencer type 3
For some people in this room, the main problem is that they’re stuck in the third type of influence which is lose-win. Which means that me as the influencer might feel not so good, might not like what’s happening, might feel bad, might lose practically speaking from the deal while the other person is winning. Like I want the other person to feel good so bad that I’m willing to sacrifice my own emotions, my own state, my own values, my own beliefs, what I believe I deserve, what I believe I should have or should get. And this type of influence is called pleasing.
Now most people wouldn’t consider pleasing as influence but I want you to consider the pleasing is influence. When we are pleasing someone we’re trying to influence them. We’re trying to make them like us. We’re trying to make them feel good. We’re trying to influence them. Those people like those people, usually, because those people get what they want from those people. Those people find their way with most people but it’s easiest for them to be as close as possible to those people and this is why many times people are starting the habit of pleasing other people and are quickly getting stuck in this habit. Because they’re finding themselves surrounded with people that expect them to keep on pleasing and so when they’re trying to break this circle, they’ll face a lot of resistance, pain, trouble and difficulty. So pleasing is a type of influence. We’re trying to get something by doing it but it has two major downsides or problems.
It makes us feel bad
The first one is that it makes us feel bad that we’re losing from this type of influence. We’re so called winning because we’re winning our sub-conscience out-commerce or subconscious desire that the other person will like us that the other person will appreciate us but usually those people or the people we are pleasing will soon enough start taking it for granted and we will feel unappreciated.
In the long term people cannot please
The second and I think even the more significant downside is also regarding the long term that in the long term people cannot please. People cannot please in the long term. In the long term, if we’re trying and trying and trying and trying to please, we will get frustrated and this frustration grows.
For example, a mother that is constantly doing everything for her children where she feels she’s unappreciated, where she feels she is sacrificing her own good for the good of her children. This is pleasing. If she likes it and she feels like she’s winning then it’s not pleasing. Pleasing is when she feels she’s unappreciated, when she feels she sacrifices what she wants. The frustration will grow. For some people it will take a week. For some people it will take a year. But every single person I’ve ever met who’ve been through this cycle has always eventually slipped.
One day, all the baggage or how the negative emotions that were carried inside are getting dumped outside. And if you will ask the children of this mother, if they would rather have their mother tell them no every once in a while or getting blasted every couple of months, they’ll say the first. In the end, when we’re trying to please someone will usually hold a grudge against them and [Inaudible 12:15] will usually be way more painful for them than getting a no or not getting everything they want from us.
Authentic influence | | Influencer type 4
The last type is what we’re calling authentic influence. [It] is what we’re going to discuss today and it’s making sure that every single time I tried to influence someone, I’m looking at the greater good. I’m looking also to make sure that I’m winning from this situation and to make sure that the other person is getting a lot of value, both. When my relationship with a person is based on this kind of influence over the long term, I’ll get more and more influence because he will get more value. I will feel better and I’ll become more generous to this person because I’m feeling [Inaudible 13:29] getting value. And it will strengthen the relationship and it will give me more influence over time. It will make people trust me over time.
And even more importantly, it makes everything easier because deep inside every single one of us knows what we want. And we also know if we’ll be listening, if we’ll be paying attention, it’s easy to see what the other person wants. And when you give the other person what he wants, usually, for most people, they’ll be more than happy to give you what you want. More than happy. So it’s easier doing it this way. It’s easier.
So, every single one of the tools we’re going to discuss today will be based on the idea of authentic influence, of the idea that we are actually truly considering what’s best for us and what’s best for them as the basic foundation of influence.