Obviously, it’s not the most foolproof mechanism in our brain because some people are good liars but most people are not good liars. Most people when they lie when they talk about something they’re not confident in, you can easily spot it.
If you’re constantly influencing people and they’re constantly seeing positive results, you will create trust, you will become someone they think highly of that you will become someone who when you’re saying it, it means more to them than someone else. Many times (I know you’ve absolutely experienced it) people who’ve you’ve given amazing advice to come back to you a few weeks, months, years later and telling you that someone else gave them an amazing advice that totally changed their lives which is exactly the same advice you gave them some time ago.
The thing is they don’t even remember you told them that and if you tell them, “I told you that the weeks ago.” They’ll tell you, “It’s not the same.” It is the same. The only difference is, who told them. No, it’s not a matter of getting offended. It’s simply a matter of understanding your position in front of others. You can understand, you can be aware of how influential you personally are to the different people in your life.
Building authority in short term relationships
Building authority in short term relationships, for example like sales, meetings, business meetings, so on and so forth, with people who you’re not constantly dealing with comes from three layers.
Environmental or official layer
The first layer is the environmental or official layer. For example, wearing a suit for a business meeting will create a different level of authority, a different level of trust then wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. You should be appropriate to the setting, obviously. In this place, wearing a suit will usually create the opposite but dressing business casual, for example, will do a great service. On the other hand, wearing shorts and flip flops will take you the other way. So, it’s about the way you dress. It’s about the way you talk, your body language. It’s also about your job description or job title. For example, people who have a PhD automatically are considered to be more trustworthy. If someone is a CEO of a company, is president of an organization, he’s been elected as the most something of something journal so these are all official or environmental [Inaudible 03:18] layers that can add to your trust, to your authority. This is why for many of us (this is one reason is for many of us) influencing the people who were closest to it’s the hardest.
One of my teachers used to say that it’s very hard to try to influence your uncles and your cousins because they still picture you as a three year old kid with his nose dripping. That’s a powerful image. When a kid with his nose dripping, he’s going to tell you what to do. It’s hard to accept. So obviously it takes time and you can build those relationships with a win-win situation because those are relationships that last longer and you can totally establish authority this way. But if you one day, decide you want to influence someone out of the blue, it will be quite difficult. If you are the boss of another person, if he is your employee then it will automatically be easier because you are an authority.
If you’re speaking in front of the audience and someone in the audience asks a question, it’s usually easier because you’re automatically an authority for environmental or official reasons, that is easy. So first of all, some of those things are hard to create. For example, a PhD, not so easy to create but dressing better might be easy to create, if you’d like it, if you choose it.
The second layer is the social. Having other people trusting you. If I can show, if I can express in various forms, let say from telling stories or showing like text messages or putting testimonials on my website that other people are trusting me then it’s easier for the person who knows that to also trust me. It’s like a shortcut that our brain likes doing. If we know that we cannot trust someone then we won’t trust him. But if we don’t know, if we’re unsure whether we should or shouldn’t trust him, we’re usually trying to find evidence to whether other people are trusting him. It’s like our brains being lazy, if everybody’s doing it, it’s okay.
So I should and could create social reasons. For example, in my office on one wall, I have all my professional certificates. It’s not because I get high on them. It’s because I am aware of the fact that for many people, it creates a feeling of certainty. It makes them feel more secure, makes them trust easier. And on a second wall, I have all sorts of notes I got from students and people I work with and organization and stuff like that, thanking me for my extremely amazing service. So I have the official layer and the social layer.
The third one might be the easiest or the hardest [Inaudible 07:06] is the personal. If I trust me and I can express it, it will make others trust me as well. How can they know if I trust myself? Well, basically, the way it’s put out is the way I speak, my body language, how I react to certain questions, to certain topics, how comfortable I am in my own skin. This is something that’s very hard to fake. So if you don’t have it, working on it might not be the easiest thing to do but it’s very worthwhile doing because it will affect every single area of your life. But it’s pretty powerful and sometimes it might be enough.
Even if you don’t have anyone else listening to you, when even if you don’t have any credentials, just by the fact that you yourself are trusting yourself might give others the feeling of certainty enough that they can trust [Inaudible 08:24] well. It’s a lot like the other thing. It’s like my brain says, “Can I trust him or not?” And if I would find other people who hate you or distrust you then usually I won’t trust you. Like, this is the second level, this is the third. But if I don’t know, for example, I cannot tell if other people are trusting you or not. Then my brain will say, “Who in this room knows him the best?” He does. Then, if he knows what he’s talking about then he will be even a certain way, usually. And if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about he is usually going to behave in a different way.
Obviously, it’s not the most foolproof mechanism in our brain because some people are good liars. But most people are not good liars. Most people when they lie when they talk about something they’re not confident in, you can easily spot it. Most people are not aware enough because they never truly learned it in a professional manner but they can sense it. They can smell it. They can feel it. They won’t say his arms were crossed or his leg was moving or the way he touched his pants. They won’t notice it in a conscious way. But in a subconscious way they’ll sense it and then I’ll say, something that wasn’t feeling right for me. Something that didn’t feel right for me, something like that and will sense it. Not always. Some people are better at it, some people are less but it’s a way. So if I want to influence someone, I want to use as many of those ways to create authority to create trust.
The harder way to do it but the best way, in my opinion, to create self influence. Meaning I’m not going to tell you what to do. You’re going to tell yourself what to do. For most people, adults (for most adults), the person they give the most authority to is their selves. That’s like being psychologically healthy. For Kids, many kids have like until a certain age, let’s say 6, 7, 8 depending on what we’re asking, the highest authority in their lives is their parents. Then comes the different phase in our lives when they decide, when they change it.
Many parents have challenges in these ages because up until now their kids were considering them as the highest authority and now the kid wants to be his own highest authority. So most grownups with the exclusion of very dangerous calls or stuff like that are their own highest authority in their own lives. So if I can show someone or make someone or lead someone to influence himself, to say it himself, to make himself get to the realization I want him to get. If I can make someone understand himself that the best way he can achieve his own values is by doing what I want with my outcome then I’m on a very strong path, on a very strong path to getting what I decided, what I want, what I am trying to achieve.