I think that the most common question people ask themselves is about influences.
What am I going to tell him or her? This is the most common question. It’s the most common question about sales and marketing. What am I going to tell this person when he tells me it’s too expensive? Why am I going to tell this person that will make him buy my product or my service? It’s also the most common question regarding job interviews. What am I going to tell the interviewer when he’s going to interview me and ask me this question? What am I going to answer about this specific topic? What am I going to say about this whole in my resume? It’s also the most common question in dating. What am I going to tell her? What am I going to do if there’s going to be an awkward silence? What am I going to say if she asked me this question? In parenting, my childhood is in this, in this, in this, in this position. What am I going to tell him to make him do something?
Most people have this weird and unrealistic expectation from influence. They believe that it’s always possible to say a sentence that will fix everything. It’s usually not the case. And many times people are coming to me and asking me,
“Gal, what can I do to make my kid do this and that? What can I tell him?”
And when I give him the strategies and sometimes in certain occasions, I have really good strategies that were tested with many people but they’re going to take weeks or months of constantly influencing your child to make them get to the point you want of them being a better student, surrounded with more positive environment will have kids, whatever. They’re like,
“Isn’t there another way? Can I just tell him something?”
Prepare to any kind of situation
So most of the time, the answer is no. Some things can be done with a simple sentence, sometimes just a few words can transform the direction of someone’s lives. That’s obvious. But many times, I think that’s one of the most undiscussed principles, and one of the most important ones is preparation. And when I prepare to any kind of situation, where were my job, where my idea, where I have a very clear outcome, where I need to influence someone, whether it be a business meeting, even a call for a family member, or something like that, I put a lot of focus in my preparation. Most people prepare, as I said earlier, asking themselves the question, What am I going to say? This is a very bad way to prepare. Because when I asked myself the question,
“What am I going to say”,
I’m making, in my head, a script. A script that I imagined that I believe that I want to read on so-called later. The thing is, many times, in most occasions, what will happen and you know it, the conversation won’t go as you expected. And then you won’t find the right spot to put your speech in. So you’ll do one of two things.
First, most people, most of the time, will simply drop their script. And then it’s just like they’re unprepared. Because everything they prepared is simply useless in this situation. And the second way to do it, or the second thing that might happen for the more determined personality types is that they’ll drop the script anyway. It was like, I get what you’re saying, but, and then they’ll start reading off their head. Simply say what they had to say. And you had conversations like this with people who suddenly had… You had like a very fluid, very authentic conversation and all of a sudden, the trunk starting to say something. And it’s clear that they’re reading. They’re not speaking, they’re not talking. They’re reading, not like practically reading, but like reading from their memory. So it’s useless. Most of the time it’s useless.
Exactly. So how do I prepare? What is the right way to prepare? I need to prepare three things. A: My outcome. I want to be very clear on what I am going to achieve in this conversation.
For example, I’ve many meetings where I’m not the one scheduling them. And I’m not the one that actually is responsible for creating them. So I usually just arrive in a location someone else told me to be, and then there’s a meeting, where I meet someone. The first thing I do before I enter the room is I call the person who made this meeting and tell him, What am I supposed to achieve in this conversation? Is this person interested in like us putting on a workshop or seminar or a talk, or maybe we’re discussing something more like an advanced program for all the managers in the organization? Am I supposed to get a contract signed up today or is it more like, I need to get to know this person, and then after a few meetings, someone else will close the deal? If I’m not clear on my outcome, I won’t be able to manage the conversation effectively or the situation effectively.
Be clear about any outcome
So first of all, I have to be as clear as possible on my outcome. In relationships, it’s even more important. Because many times, for example, we’re coming home. And now we’re having a subconscious outcome. We’re saying, I want to share what I had today. This is my outcome. And the other person doesn’t want to listen to me, doesn’t want to listen. So I’m stuck. And I, and I can’t manage to get what I want.
If I’ll be more clear on my outcome, if I say okay, what exactly do I want to get? Why do I want them to listen to me? Maybe because I want to feel loved, appreciate it, whatever. The more I am clear with my outcome, the more flexibility I have. And flexibility, in influence and in every aspect of life is power. Flexibility is power. So if I know that I want to feel loved today, and hugged, and I’m coming home, and I’m saying, You won’t believe what happened to me today, and the other person is full of his own stuff. And he truly cannot get or is not really available to listen anymore. Maybe I can get what I want in different ways. Maybe I can just sit next to them, hug them, be near them and get what I truly want instead of developing an argument and actually not getting any thing of what I want. So A) is being clear on my outcome.
Know other person
B: is knowing the other person. Specifically, I want to know what is the will for the other person? What does he want? What does he or she want? Now, that’s a common misconception that’s a common problem. Many experts, many people who are very proficient in their fields tell themselves, I know what they want, but I want to sell them one day. I found for me at least, that it’s much easier to influence someone when you understand what he wants. And you can, if you want, also give them an extra as a bonus as an added benefit, what you think they should want as well.
For example, many business coaches understand that the number one thing that stops people from succeeding in business is their psychology. Yeah, business tools are important. Knowing how to sell your part is important. Creating a target audience is important. But the number one thing that stops people from succeeding is psychology. So they’re telling their customers, let me help you destroy your mental boundaries to get better in business. Most business owners won’t buy this service. Because they do not understand that they need it. They feel like they need something else. If I tell them, I will teach you how to sell your product, that’s very easy. People understand this, they can be biased, they can feel free about it. Then you should also deliver on your promise. You should really teach them how to sell their product. But while you’re doing it, you can totally discuss their psychology. And using tools like NLP, subconsciously, you can, in a metaphorical way, also influence their psychology while teaching them how to sell their service.
So I found this is the easiest way to do it. And it’s not true in business and external relationships, and it’s through with your kids, and it’s through everywhere. So I want to get to know the other person, what does he want. I want to understand the values of the other person. The strongest type of influence occurs when you can match your outcome with the other person’s values. If you can show the other person logically, truthfully, authentically, that by doing what you’re suggesting, he will get what he values, influence will be very easy. And sometimes one of the biggest problems most of us face is that we assume that other people value what we value, which is usually not the case.
For example, when I go to meetings in organizations (in big companies), usually I’m not meeting the owners of the companies. I’m usually meeting like the chief HR officer, whatever, or even the CEO, who doesn’t own the company. So they usually have different agendas, different values, different opinions from what the business owner would have. HR is the most radical difference, usually. Because, as a business owner, I understand that if I can teach people…
For example, in an organization if I’m talking to a sales team of an organization. And I understand that if I can improve the productivity by 5%, by 10%, my service, my talk can be worth millions. So I might try mistakingly to convince the HR person that I’m going to improve the productivity of the team. But the HR person doesn’t care about the productivity of the team. She does care, she prefers them to be more productive, but her main value, her main fear usually will be getting bad feedback from her boss. Getting bad feedback from her boss is much of a bigger issue for them, usually, then increasing the profits of the companies by millions. Simply because it doesn’t get measured by that.
So when I’m talking to the HR person, I’m going to say it’s going to be fun. And people are going to be excited. And they’re going to like it. And they’re going to thank you for it. And they’re going to come and write letters to your boss, telling him how amazing you are for bringing me. Because this is what she values, this is what she wants or he wants.
If I will be talking to the CEO who gets measured by profits, even if I know, for example, that what I’m teaching can improve the productivity of the sales team by 30 or 40%. In many times, many organizations, you can improve productivity of sales teams by 20%, 30% easily. It takes time, it takes coaching, it takes the right methods, but it’s possible, it’s usually doable. I’m usually going to tell the CEO that I’m going to improve it, in bigger organizations by 2% or 3%. Why? Because a CEO of a big company doesn’t even think in 30% metrics. They usually have this mindset or this thought that they should improve 1% over many aspects of the business. And this is what they consider to be their jobs. Thinking that the company will actually grow 30% this year won’t be such a big issue for most of them, like growing the company 5%. They’ll get around the same bonuses many times. So it’s easier to sell a 3% improvement than a 30% improvement, if you understand the mindset of the person.
If you’re talking to a small business owner, and you’ll tell him like you have three employees, and you’re telling him I’m going to improve your business by 3%, he won’t listen. You have to understand the other person, what’s his values? What’s his beliefs? And today, usually, it’s very easy. If it’s someone you know, like it’s your spouse, or your children or your family members, then you know them. Then if you will simply ask yourself, while you’re in a calm state, what’s important to my wife, what’s the most important thing for my parents, my children, then usually you have the answers. If you’re meeting someone new, usually, you can look him up on Facebook. You can see what we’re commenting on Twitter or Instagram, whatever.
Most people in the business world now, have also like websites or stuff like that. You can read from their website what they’re writing about themselves, and understand your values and what’s important to them. If the website looks like crap, usually innovation, beauty, design is not their values. If you can see that their website was built three months ago, and it’s amazing. Maybe images, or stuff like that are very important to them.
And the third thing is knowing you. What am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do? What are my values? What are my beliefs? I want to make sure that it’s not only a win for them, but it’s also a win for me. What kinds of deals Am I not going to take? What kind of deals am I actually going to take? What kind of communication is key for me? What kind of communication might not be a key for me? If I have these three simple basic things before I enter the conversation and more effectively if I review them three seconds before I enter the conversation, “Okay, I want this. This person is this. This is what it’s important for me.” Then I’m becoming powerful. Then I have flexibility. I have power. And I can manage it authentically, easily. I don’t have to use manipulation or scripts or whatever to get what I want. All I have to do and this is something to write down is find the way. This is like your main goal in the first part of the conversation. It is to find a way to match the other person’s values to your outcome. If you do it, everything else will be easy.